my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
