i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
