So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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