Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Randomize
