I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
