Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
