Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
