Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
