yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
