I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
