Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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