It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
