drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
