My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
