just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
