i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
