I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
