Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
