If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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