i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
