Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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