I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
