he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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