I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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