his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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