I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
