i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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