shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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