You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
