Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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