Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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