so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize