Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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