Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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