We won't sleep together?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
