I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
