My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
