Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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