The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
