does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
