Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
