If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
