I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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