Too much gin, very little bucket
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
