you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
