I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Randomize
