I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
