You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize