On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
