i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
