She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
