I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
