It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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