Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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