Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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