My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize