Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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