Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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