Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
