The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
