Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
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