If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize