mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
