and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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