Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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