the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize