She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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