upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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