if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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