WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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